Ho-hums
by princessblair
Summary: An *allegedly* crack fic where Levi is talkative and Erwin just wants a cup of coffee. A/U


Uh, hi... I guess. This is *another* one of my lame attempts at being funny, and obviously I suck at it. It's A/U and the both of them are kind OOC...

This is basically just a huge bleh. I have apologized for my fics before but this is the first time I actually mean it.

So, don't let me stop you... Enjoy this... Bleh.

* * *

Erwin Smith follows the wave of yuppies that are bustling through the automatic doors. The usual large crowd of people in front of the information booth is noticeably thicker today, probably because they're ramping on the hiring for this week.

Trost Inc. is hiring and it's Erwin's job to find new scouts.

It isn't much of a problem for him; he'd been interviewing potentials for almost five years now. Although, he has to say there are only a handful of applicants at that time since the openings are usually for managerial or supervisorial positions.

He eyes the insane ticket of applicants. There is simply no way he would be able to interview that on his own. Realistically speaking, he's not a recruiting agency that can process hundred bodies in one day.

Still, he has to try though. He resigns himself to a long day's work with a promise of hot coffee when he's done.

He heads to the elevators.

x

Levi could say he's a short stump with all these tall corporate men surrounding him. He looks entirely out of place with his mismatched tie and cheap suit. Honestly, the last thing he's concerned about is how pricey his clothes are when he's more worried on where the hell he'll find next month's rent. Yes, it's highly intimidating, the way these perfume-infused men are talking so fast on their cell phones and they way they jut out their chins in confidence. Levi's sure he's confident though, he's highly qualified as most of these men, but he can hardly maintain eye contact.

Nah, not really. He can maintain eye contact fairly well. It's just that there's this wall of blonde staring directly at him, inside the elevator and he's blocking the fucking doors. The blonde wall slipped inside the doors before they closed so it's really, _really_ cramped here he could almost feel blondie's crotch.

Damn, that's a big package.

He really shouldn't be fishing for men at this time. This could be a potential rival for the position and he cannot afford to fail this interview just because he's ogling his competitor.

(He doesn't admit it to himself but the fact of the matter is, it's his personality that's the problem)

The elevator dings at the second floor and Levi could swear he was _this_ close into punching the fucking lazy ass that couldn't take the stairs. The Armani covered dude was obnoxiously talking aloud and whenever he laughed the elevator shook. Levi sighs in relief when the elevator doors closed.

He should assume that there's more space now, right? Wrong.

Blondie was still staring at him intently and had hardly budged from invading his personal space. Levi had tried to wiggle in room but Blondie followed suit.

He may be hot as hell but he's equally as creepy. Who the hell hits on interview rivals?

A child's giggle from beside him had grabbed his attention. The kid had pressed all of the fucking buttons. Great, simply great. The examinations were on the twenty second floor and they had twenty floors more to go with Blondie pressing up against him.

The kid giggles again and Levi's foot twitches. He resists the tsunami temptation to topple the kid over. The kid's mom croons at her little boy saying stupid things like, _'oh what a precious baby', 'oh how cute' _and the most annoying one, _'my little angel'_

Levi is sure that angels could not press any buttons in any elevators.

Maybe this is the reason he's into guys? So that he will never be punished into breeding accidentally.

Nah, Blondie over here is the reason he's gay. The world is a jar full of hot men and he couldn't simply resist. But for today, he must.

If he wants that job, that is.

A little small talk never hurt anyone, though.

"You here for the interview, too?" Levi asks Blondie. Blondie's eyes widened just a little bit, not enough to be comical but enough to make Levi think that Blondie didn't expect that he could talk.

"Yeah," Blondie hesitates. Levi feels significantly smaller than this wall and he had to seriously crane his neck to even get a glimpse of Blondie's irrationally thick eyebrows. He is now staring blatantly at Blonde and he isn't even cowering. Blondie, however, is shifting his eyes all over Levi. It's cute, really, how he thinks he's sneaking a peek. He gets caught red-handed every time though and his cheeks would bloom red whenever he meets Levi's eyes.

How pathetic is this blonde giant. He can hardly even rove his eyes towards Levi, much less a high-powered executive. He's got this shit in the bag.

The elevator dings for the 15th floor and a wad of impatient motherfuckers stream out of the car. They bump into Levi and Blondie without so much as saying sorry but Levi guesses this is how things go when you're in a rush. And yeah, Levi isn't exactly your shining example of manners. He had already passed rude remarks at two men in the men's room.

He can't say he tried though. He had followed Hanji's advice on counting to ten and it was the lamest suggestion he had ever had. He hadn't even made it to three before he poured his scathing remark over the poor unsuspecting men.

(They had said the word shorty, Levi didn't know it wasn't directed at him)

Someone clears their throat and Levi focuses his eyes on the scene before him. They're now on the 18th floor and a significant amount of people had already left. And here he is still stupidly pressed up against Blondie like this is some kind of club.

His cheeks even had the gall to blush. Mother fucking traitor cheeks.

He shuffles as farthest away from Blondie as possible and he eyes the other occupants of the elevator. There are about six men and one busty woman left in the car so he situates himself beside the woman. He's safer this way, no awkward boner surprises.

Blondie has other plans though, he shifts his body closer to Levi and it makes the latter incredibly uncomfortable. Wasn't Blondie the one who cleared his throat anyway? What's up with this loser?

Okay, maybe that's not how a mature 23 year old should think. He should be ignoring the stirring in his stomach and should be focusing on mentally preparing for the interview. He lets his thoughts swim in corporate conundrums but not even a minute has passed he was already interrupted.

Can't a guy have some peace?

"Uh, may I know the time?" Blondie nudges him a little but it still warranted a death glare from the shorter man. Blondie sweats and it's success for Levi.

He checks his watch. "8:12" He answers simply. Blondie nods in acknowledgement and continues to lock gazes with him.

Is this Levi's first chance at getting a restraining order?

"What do you want, you're creeping me out."

Blondie blushes *again* and Levi has already grown tired of it.

"What's your name?"

Levi gives him another glare but answers nonetheless, "Levi."

Blondie was probably expecting him to ask back but to be honest, he doesn't really care. Blondie can suck his dick.

That didn't stop Blondie from looking at him expectantly like a petulant child, though and it unnerves Levi even further. He was about to tell Blondie off but the 22nd ding he has heard all day has finally come.

Finally sweet jesus!

He pushes past all of the other occupants and makes his way over to the front desk. The office is bland and dull, much like his mood and it's just the way he likes it.

He coughs. The dumb secretary shuffles in her seat.

"Oh, you here for the interview?"

He nods.

"Leave your resume and take a seat over there, we'll call your name." She points her disturbingly long nails over to a cluster of seat. A couple of other applicants are already nervously bobbing on their seats and it makes Levi nauseous.

How boring.

He sits himself as farthest away as possible from human presence. It's just the way he likes it.

It was short-lived though as a large shadow blocks his view.

"What the fuck?" He snaps when he realizes it's just Blondie. That restraining order is sounding pretty good now. Blondie doesn't respond and Levi crosses his arms. "Are you stalking me?"

"No, I'm here for the interview as well."

Levi _tsked_.

"Then sit over there with the other teeny-boppers. You can paint your toe nails together and shit. Leave me the fuck alone."

Blondie moves but before Levi can finally relax he takes the seat beside Levi. He tenses at the amount of interaction he has faced in one day.

"You're more interesting." Blondie states as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Levi gives him a sneer and settles himself to get a comfier position without touching any of Blondie's body parts.

"Suit yourself then." Levi would just have to scare this little bugger away with his polished primness.

X

Erwin could now proudly say that he had just met the most fascinating human being ever made. This Levi guy is a force to be reckoned with and he hadn't even spent an hour with him. He's snarky, he's rude, he's sarcastic, he's sour and most importantly he's someone Erwin would never hire.

Which is why Erwin finds it extremely odd that he's still here listening to the little guy rant. Seriously he wouldn't have pegged Levi as a sort of person to be talkative but he hadn't stopped since he sat down.

"And this interviewer guy, I've read it on forums that he's supposed to be the best consultant this company has to offer."

Erwin's ears perk up at the mention of his position.

"If he's the best damn consultant, why would they need to hire a junior assistant? You would think he could handle himself well enough if what they claim is true."

"What do they claim?" Erwin couldn't help himself, he was too darn curious.

"That he had single handedly upped their revenue by 1% in just under a month. Forum geeks claim that he signed a contract under a low budget advertising company. It was high risk but it did pretty well."

Erwin nods in thought. He never knew he was popular.

"I can do better though. Advertising? Psh. Nowadays, it's social media that's shaking the business." Levi glances up at him when he realized that Erwin was probably taking down his ideas. It was a good suggestion and if this was a formal interview Erwin would've landed him the job right away. Thinking outside the box was one of the traits he was looking for.

"What, you asshole? Going to steal my ideas?" Levi sends him a dirty glare that makes Erwin chuckle. This guy is such a bitch.

"No, but you're good. You've practically listed all of the faults in this company in less than 20 minutes."

Levi didn't take it as a compliment though and ignores him.

"What's taking the high and mighty consultant so long? Probably getting his dick sucked, that's what." Erwin chokes on his own spit and Levi subconsciously pats his back. He tries to calm himself but Levi was just too much.

"Don't die. You have to shave your eyebrows first. They're too fucking bushy, Hermione Granger is calling to have her hair back."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

Erwin ignores the insult and waits for Levi to start his tirade again.

"What's the name of the interviewer again? Ellen Smith?" Levi muses. Erwin had to stop himself from letting his eyes go too wide.

"Uh, it's Erwin Smith I think." The smaller guy nods his head as he processed the information.

"Look at this dull place. For a company that's worth billions of dollars, they can't even afford decorating." Levi starts once again.

"I thought you liked it." Erwin replies. Levi sends him another glare that makes Erwin roll his eyes.

"I do, doesn't mean everyone else does."

"You're right. I hate it, as a matter of fact." Erwin checks his watch to see if it's about time he should make his presence known, but being with this haughty fellow was proving to be too amusing. He hasn't even commented on their—

"God, the secretary can talk for miles. I'd fire her the moment I get hired."

-There it is, that's what's Erwin's waiting for.

"Look at her low cut blouse, is she here for her job or for the cocks she'll probably suck?" Erwin bites back his laugh to avoid choking once more. This guy has absolutely no holds on his crassness. He's crude and improper, a far cry from the other interviewees who are twiddling their thumbs in patience.

"She's not so bad." Erwin tries to defend their secretary, Clara.

"How would you know? You've been here before?" Levi asks giving him a wary look.

Erwin sweats.

"Yeah, I failed an interview before." He lies. Levi gives him an unsympathetic look.

"Then why are you trying again?" He replies as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Erwin tries to change the subject.

"Have you noticed how dirty their restrooms are?" Levi took the bait and his eyes glinted with inhibited passion.

"Don't get me started on that. I could feel the grime on my fingers when I washed my hands, I almost threw up. The cubicles smell like shit, it isn't even funny." It didn't take long for Erwin to guess that this guy had a thing for cleanliness. Despite the clear sign that he was wearing unbranded clothing, his shoes were unbelievably polished, his clothes were pressed properly and Erwin swore when he saw the guy's fingernails, he saw his reflection.

Sure the guy looked unapproachable, but really, he's just severely misunderstood, Erwin concludes. He is just like a regular person except he's very honest. And he likes it.

"Oh, did you see their glass doors? I could see the traces of people's foreheads still lingering."

He may be very honest but he can also be taxating. He's pretty cute though, Erwin thinks. He isn't sure this guy swings his way though.

"Are you gay?" Erwin interrupts him mid sentence. Levi had looked offended and Erwin was about to retract.

"That's sexual harassment and it's offending." Levi gives him *another* glare. Erwin's sure it's permanently etched on Levi's face by now. He sighs.

"I didn't take you for someone who's easily offended. You told me bathroom jokes 5 minutes after I sat down."

Levi shrugs at him.

"Those weren't jokes." He defends.

"Exactly."

"To answer your question, yes I am gay. You?" Erwin was caught off guard with Levi's question. He had never directly acknowledged his presence until now.

"M-me?"

"No, Mr. Bean over there. Of course, you. Who the else would I fucking talk to? The plant?" Erwin ignores his sarcastic reply and violently nods his head.

"Ye-yeah I'm uh… into guys."

"Figured that much since you literally dry humped me in the elevator." Levi cracks him a knowing smirk that makes Erwin splutter.

There is a rule somewhere in the employee handbook that hitting on your interviewer is not allowed. Apparently, these two idiots didn't get the memo.

"I wa- I wasn," _Ahem_ "Do you want to get coffee sometime then?" Levi looks at him suspiciously.

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"No, I was simply asking for the time. Of course I am, I thought you were supposed to be smart." Levi's smirk had now turned into a wide grin.

"I have to say I didn't think you had it in you to be sarcastic. It's a lame attempt though. I'd give it a 3 out of ten for effort." He says dismissively. Erwin wasn't satisfied and pushes the subject.

"How about that coffee?" Erwin urges, however, Levi still looked unimpressed.

"I don't even know your name."

"Oh," Erwin concludes dumbly. He doesn't answer and it agitates Levi.

"So, what's your name?"

"I'm Erwin Smith." He says confidently. Levi still remains impassive.

"What, you have the same name as the consultant?"

"I am the consultant, Levi."

It was almost comical on how Levi had changed from being stoic to spluttering like a bumbling idiot. It was gold, simply gold.

"Wh-you! Wh-"

"How about that coffee?"

"You fucking asshole! You're playing tricks on me aren't you?"

"No… how about that coffee?"

Levi stands and amazingly moves in the speed of light to cross the room.

"No you idiot!" Levi exclaims that makes the other applicants turn their heads towards their direction. Erwin heads over to Levi but the guy manages to evade him.

"Don't go near me I swear to god!"

"Oh, come on. Let's talk about this over a cup of coffee." Erwin trails him like a puppy dog. Even if Levi was fast, Erwin's longer legs were certainly an advantage.

"No you creep. I'm outta here." He shouts as he heads towards the elevators. Erwin stops him, though.

"I'd hire you but…" Erwin checks if the coast is clear of any people.

"Interoffice dating isn't allowed." Levi's face had turned red in probably a mix of anger and shame. Erwin takes advantage of his vulnerability and slips his business card in the guy's pocket.

"Call me for that cup of coffee."

Suffice to say, Erwin didn't think Levi would even want to look at him, much less call him. He had probably scarred the guy for life.

So when three days later, he gets that elusive call- he's sure he'll lock this Levi down.


End file.
